In which there's a bit of mopiness
Jan. 8th, 2010 11:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceriTwo items. Internal drama below the cuts.
#1. I really hate having minor to moderate infections for several reasons, one of which is that they often degrade the physical foundations of consciousness just enough that I get stuck with damn stupid dramatic impulses. Take today. This week's WoW raiding was frustrating: after quite smooth clearing of our way through the first wing of Icecrown Citadel as we've done several weeks now, we got to the newly open wing and died and died and died and died. There are two bosses up front, one needing to be defeated through sheer firepower plus a bit of tactics, the other needing quite a bit of coordinated execution and a reasonable amount of firepower. We just couldn't get it to click. Looks to me like collectively we need more upgrading of gear than can happen in one week, plus a lot of practice.
When I'm here feeling achy and tired (and thinking about #2 below), it's so very tempting to just decide that I've hit the wall. This is as good as I can play, the slot would go better to someone younger and less disabled, on and on. I could just shelve the WoW app and directory and go do something else. Blah blah blah. I don't think that on any more deliberate level it's what I want to do, nor that it would make me happy—nor, for that matter that when I'm in good shape I'm that bad at my role—and I resent having to take my already limited energy and deal with it.
#2. New medication time. And ugh. Okay, so here's the deal. I'm at a very high risk of complications from the hormones involved in hormone replacement therapy. (Let's not even talk, for the moment, about how truly risky any major surgery is for me, either.) There's the overall wretched condition of my immune system, my poor cardiovascular health, the family history of breast cancer over several generations, and more. Transitioning seriously has to wait while I do things to get my physical basics as good as I can.
I know this, I'm dealing with it fairly well. But along the way...my testosterone level is low. Very low indeed for males my age, and within the normal bracket for females my age. And there are at least two good reasons to take it: it's got good effects on insulin sensitivity, which means that it will help keep my diabetes in line as I lose weight, and it should help with overall energy and specifically with fat burning.
Weight loss is crucial for me right now. Everything wrong with me will get less so with the weight off. And I really do need the energy boost, badly. I'm struggling too much with basic stuff.
But how I wish I didn't need to do it, and that it didn't feel like a defeat. I've got to make myself talk to pharmacies as soon as I get this congestion cleared and get that started so that I don't self-sabotage myself into nastier problems.
#1. I really hate having minor to moderate infections for several reasons, one of which is that they often degrade the physical foundations of consciousness just enough that I get stuck with damn stupid dramatic impulses. Take today. This week's WoW raiding was frustrating: after quite smooth clearing of our way through the first wing of Icecrown Citadel as we've done several weeks now, we got to the newly open wing and died and died and died and died. There are two bosses up front, one needing to be defeated through sheer firepower plus a bit of tactics, the other needing quite a bit of coordinated execution and a reasonable amount of firepower. We just couldn't get it to click. Looks to me like collectively we need more upgrading of gear than can happen in one week, plus a lot of practice.
When I'm here feeling achy and tired (and thinking about #2 below), it's so very tempting to just decide that I've hit the wall. This is as good as I can play, the slot would go better to someone younger and less disabled, on and on. I could just shelve the WoW app and directory and go do something else. Blah blah blah. I don't think that on any more deliberate level it's what I want to do, nor that it would make me happy—nor, for that matter that when I'm in good shape I'm that bad at my role—and I resent having to take my already limited energy and deal with it.
#2. New medication time. And ugh. Okay, so here's the deal. I'm at a very high risk of complications from the hormones involved in hormone replacement therapy. (Let's not even talk, for the moment, about how truly risky any major surgery is for me, either.) There's the overall wretched condition of my immune system, my poor cardiovascular health, the family history of breast cancer over several generations, and more. Transitioning seriously has to wait while I do things to get my physical basics as good as I can.
I know this, I'm dealing with it fairly well. But along the way...my testosterone level is low. Very low indeed for males my age, and within the normal bracket for females my age. And there are at least two good reasons to take it: it's got good effects on insulin sensitivity, which means that it will help keep my diabetes in line as I lose weight, and it should help with overall energy and specifically with fat burning.
Weight loss is crucial for me right now. Everything wrong with me will get less so with the weight off. And I really do need the energy boost, badly. I'm struggling too much with basic stuff.
But how I wish I didn't need to do it, and that it didn't feel like a defeat. I've got to make myself talk to pharmacies as soon as I get this congestion cleared and get that started so that I don't self-sabotage myself into nastier problems.