This week on the Ceri's Anxieties Show
Jun. 6th, 2009 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceriSaturday I'm going to a party, assuming no health crisis or anything like that. First one I've been to in, hmm, must be about six years now, since I hadn't been to one for a while before descending into my long slump. I am such a bundle of nerves about it, on two different vectors.
There's my health concerns. For those of you I've only met recently, I've got a trashed immune system, and respond with sort of mega-allergic complications to all kinds of common environmental things—orris root (the base of most perfumes), dry cleaning chemicals, soil molds, you name it. So being out in a crowd means a day or more of prep work with extra immune-boosting supplements and stuff, and planning a day or more recovery time afterward, and also being prepared for an acute episode while out. Fortunately the hostess has known me for a good long while now, and is used to dealing with medical weirdos besides me. So the circumstances are about as good as they reasonably can be, with understanding hostess and people I'll be happy to visit with, many of whom also have experiencing dealing either specifically with my complications or with others like them.
It's still stressful, the waiting and wondering.
And now there's the trans matter on top of that. I'm out to a few folks who'll be there, but not to most, and I feel in such a horribly awkward limbo. Never mind passing, I couldn't even be a competent cross-dresser now. Nothing to wear, no experience wearing it, no clue about doing almost anything in my presentation. Right now trans is in my heart and not much of anywhere else. I feel like a fake going and coming, knowing I'm not what I seem, unable to seem what I am. I'm very grateful for all the friends, new and old, willing to believe me. The day when it won't have to be taken on faith seems so far off.
There's my health concerns. For those of you I've only met recently, I've got a trashed immune system, and respond with sort of mega-allergic complications to all kinds of common environmental things—orris root (the base of most perfumes), dry cleaning chemicals, soil molds, you name it. So being out in a crowd means a day or more of prep work with extra immune-boosting supplements and stuff, and planning a day or more recovery time afterward, and also being prepared for an acute episode while out. Fortunately the hostess has known me for a good long while now, and is used to dealing with medical weirdos besides me. So the circumstances are about as good as they reasonably can be, with understanding hostess and people I'll be happy to visit with, many of whom also have experiencing dealing either specifically with my complications or with others like them.
It's still stressful, the waiting and wondering.
And now there's the trans matter on top of that. I'm out to a few folks who'll be there, but not to most, and I feel in such a horribly awkward limbo. Never mind passing, I couldn't even be a competent cross-dresser now. Nothing to wear, no experience wearing it, no clue about doing almost anything in my presentation. Right now trans is in my heart and not much of anywhere else. I feel like a fake going and coming, knowing I'm not what I seem, unable to seem what I am. I'm very grateful for all the friends, new and old, willing to believe me. The day when it won't have to be taken on faith seems so far off.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-07 07:52 am (UTC)First off, passing may be in your heart right now, but you've already said that there are some you're out to there. While it's a slow process, at the least you'll have the comfort of knowing some of the people you're with understand what's happening with you.
Second off, you're not a fake. I know it's hard to believe that, when your exterior doesn't match your interior and you're new to even the concept of matching the two, but if there's one thing you've learned in decades of roleplaying, it's the adoption of the inner self. You don't need the exterior change as yet to not be 'fake,' as you put it. It's legitimate to have the reactions your inner self has. And you can have fun regardless.
Thirdly, dude. You totally have a Mysa Nal icon. That's awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-07 08:02 am (UTC)And of course I have a Mysa Nal icon. You would expect as big an LSH junkie as me NOT to have one?