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ceriI've noticed that when I set myself a timetable to do anything, even something I like doing, on a regular schedule, I end up resenting the constriction even though I freely chose it and like the activity itself.
I think that part of it is how tightly associated that sort of "do X every day" schedule is, in my life so far, with medical stuff. Take my prescriptions, measure my glucose levels, clean the air filters, and so on. So part of my mind thinks "that's medical and I'm tired of it" given the fact of the scheduling.
But part of it is that I'm still in the midst of this general disengagement from external obligations that aren't in my primary interests. I've been reading some about memory and consciousness, among other topics that support the historical research for Project N, and I find research support for an intuition of mine. I've long felt that I remember most clearly when I'm in physical or mental conditions similar to the ones in which events I'm trying to recall took place. And, it seems, memories can bring with them evocations of those interior states, more strongly for some people than others. I hazard the guess that I'm at the high end of susceptibility to this and that I have more and varied traumas to recall than many folks.
So it makes sense: this urge I have to drop out of things I've done in the past is in part a very sensible response to the realities of memory on a physical, electro-chemical level. I need to remember this, and think about how to set it up so that the next time I want to do a regular-reporting or regular-posting kind of thing it doesn't hit on the same recollections.
I think that part of it is how tightly associated that sort of "do X every day" schedule is, in my life so far, with medical stuff. Take my prescriptions, measure my glucose levels, clean the air filters, and so on. So part of my mind thinks "that's medical and I'm tired of it" given the fact of the scheduling.
But part of it is that I'm still in the midst of this general disengagement from external obligations that aren't in my primary interests. I've been reading some about memory and consciousness, among other topics that support the historical research for Project N, and I find research support for an intuition of mine. I've long felt that I remember most clearly when I'm in physical or mental conditions similar to the ones in which events I'm trying to recall took place. And, it seems, memories can bring with them evocations of those interior states, more strongly for some people than others. I hazard the guess that I'm at the high end of susceptibility to this and that I have more and varied traumas to recall than many folks.
So it makes sense: this urge I have to drop out of things I've done in the past is in part a very sensible response to the realities of memory on a physical, electro-chemical level. I need to remember this, and think about how to set it up so that the next time I want to do a regular-reporting or regular-posting kind of thing it doesn't hit on the same recollections.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-15 02:57 am (UTC)