Happy with life, just bored with the net
Oct. 17th, 2009 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceriI get concerned pings from friends every few days lately, and I must say that it means a lot to me to know that folks out there are thinking about my well-being and concerned and seeing if there's anything wrong that maybe they could help fix. I appreciate it more than I can say. In years gone by it's been a literal life-saver more than once, and a comfort, blessing, and joy many, many times. Some of you I've known a long time, some of you I've only gotten to know and like this very year, but I appreciate everyone who writes stuff I like to read and leaves me comments that fill the plenum of fun, useful, interesting responses.
It's taken me this long to realize that boredom is a big part of my response to net discourse right now, along with the anger and unhappiness I'd already identified and embarked on measures to separate myself from. I guess it's not a huge surprise, exactly, but it's one thing to acknowledge a possibility intellectually and another to look at oneself and say, yes, this is actually for real part of my mind and soul right now. Sure enough: some of what I've been thinking of as maybe any of several other emotions is boredom. I've read (and written) so many words on some too-familiar topics, generally to little if any real use.
It's not all futile, of course. Many of you reading this have influenced me in big ways and small, and I know I've returned the favor in some cases. But even the productive stuff is still so much the same again...but it turns out, really, that what I'm bored with is the act of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, as opposed to talking about them. I like talking again. I like anticipating times of talking, and reflecting on them after they've happened. Using my words typety-type style just feels like so much extra work and so much limited right now.
What will this evolve into in the long run? I don't have the foggiest idea, nor any concern about it. It'll do what it does. I feel that right now I'm doing as well as I ever have in listening to my impulses, thinking about them, and dealing constructively with them, and that's what matters. When they change, my responses will too.
And that's why I'm posting so little at this point.
It's taken me this long to realize that boredom is a big part of my response to net discourse right now, along with the anger and unhappiness I'd already identified and embarked on measures to separate myself from. I guess it's not a huge surprise, exactly, but it's one thing to acknowledge a possibility intellectually and another to look at oneself and say, yes, this is actually for real part of my mind and soul right now. Sure enough: some of what I've been thinking of as maybe any of several other emotions is boredom. I've read (and written) so many words on some too-familiar topics, generally to little if any real use.
It's not all futile, of course. Many of you reading this have influenced me in big ways and small, and I know I've returned the favor in some cases. But even the productive stuff is still so much the same again...but it turns out, really, that what I'm bored with is the act of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, as opposed to talking about them. I like talking again. I like anticipating times of talking, and reflecting on them after they've happened. Using my words typety-type style just feels like so much extra work and so much limited right now.
What will this evolve into in the long run? I don't have the foggiest idea, nor any concern about it. It'll do what it does. I feel that right now I'm doing as well as I ever have in listening to my impulses, thinking about them, and dealing constructively with them, and that's what matters. When they change, my responses will too.
And that's why I'm posting so little at this point.