Feeling very fake today
May. 10th, 2009 02:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ceriThis morning I had a great walk, took a few pictures (at least one of which I plan to share), thought a lot about my upcoming transition and what has to be done first, felt mellow...and then discovered another flare-up of ignorant bias in my beloved sf world. And yes, it is beloved - I have friendships and enthusiasm there covering decades. But...
I've been active in some parts of the sprawling debate that Naraht is covering, and I don't think I've been so intensely aware that some people on the other side are listening to me because I am a known white male presence. I haven't been saying anything beyond what people of color, of various genders, have already been saying, but when I repackage it, it gets an extra hearing. I'm bugged, to put it mildly.
I'm not prepared to come out to that crowd. But when I do, I already know what I'll hear, having seen it said to others: "Gee, you used to be a lot of fun and now you're all uptight about trivial things," for starters, and "Yeah, but you've lost perspective. Understandable because of the extreme nature of your situation, but now you're just too biased." I'll be one of them. Even if I'll be an "oh, I didn't mean you" them.
But...yeesh, I'm writing "but" a lot in this. I feel fake. That was my unearned privilege speaking. Privilege I hope to shed, that's still following me around.
By the way, this is more than enough info for some folks to indentify my birth name, but please, if you have a guess and want a confirmation, use a private message or e-mail. Thanks.
I've been active in some parts of the sprawling debate that Naraht is covering, and I don't think I've been so intensely aware that some people on the other side are listening to me because I am a known white male presence. I haven't been saying anything beyond what people of color, of various genders, have already been saying, but when I repackage it, it gets an extra hearing. I'm bugged, to put it mildly.
I'm not prepared to come out to that crowd. But when I do, I already know what I'll hear, having seen it said to others: "Gee, you used to be a lot of fun and now you're all uptight about trivial things," for starters, and "Yeah, but you've lost perspective. Understandable because of the extreme nature of your situation, but now you're just too biased." I'll be one of them. Even if I'll be an "oh, I didn't mean you" them.
But...yeesh, I'm writing "but" a lot in this. I feel fake. That was my unearned privilege speaking. Privilege I hope to shed, that's still following me around.
By the way, this is more than enough info for some folks to indentify my birth name, but please, if you have a guess and want a confirmation, use a private message or e-mail. Thanks.
Re: Feeling very fake today
Date: 2009-05-11 08:12 am (UTC)though _some_ of it is earned respect, and i'd like to think that, at least, will not entirely disappear when you come out. i mean, you've long been one of my "voice of reason" people; somebody who, even in the heat of argument, tries really hard to still listen, and keep an even keel. and that isn't going to change because it's not gender-dependent, it's person-specific.
the reason that i say "like to think" is that i've seen people i thought knew me well do a 180 when the gender thing hit them (this was before i was open about being transgendered, but when i already "obscured" my visible gender sufficiently for most people to read me as their default online). i had some pretty negative experiences when meeting online pals in meatspace, and a number of friendships that completely tanked.
Re: Feeling very fake today
Date: 2009-05-11 09:47 am (UTC)