Feeling very fake today

[ceri]

This morning I had a great walk, took a few pictures (at least one of which I plan to share), thought a lot about my upcoming transition and what has to be done first, felt mellow...and then discovered another flare-up of ignorant bias in my beloved sf world. And yes, it is beloved - I have friendships and enthusiasm there covering decades. But...

I've been active in some parts of the sprawling debate that Naraht is covering, and I don't think I've been so intensely aware that some people on the other side are listening to me because I am a known white male presence. I haven't been saying anything beyond what people of color, of various genders, have already been saying, but when I repackage it, it gets an extra hearing. I'm bugged, to put it mildly.

I'm not prepared to come out to that crowd. But when I do, I already know what I'll hear, having seen it said to others: "Gee,  you used to be a lot of fun and now you're all uptight about trivial things," for starters, and "Yeah, but you've lost perspective. Understandable because of the extreme nature of your situation, but now you're just too biased." I'll be one of them. Even if I'll be an "oh, I didn't mean you" them.

But...yeesh, I'm writing "but" a lot in this. I feel fake. That was my unearned privilege speaking. Privilege I hope to shed, that's still following me around.

By the way, this is more than enough info for some folks to indentify my birth name, but please, if you have a guess and want a confirmation, use a private message or e-mail. Thanks.

Comments

[eisen]

OH DO I KNOW YOUR PAIN. This happened to me a few times while I was still closeted on the internet and I haaaaated it. :/ It is the least enjoyable feeling in the world, knowing that people are respecting you and being grateful at you because of a lie. I hate being closeted. So much.

*winces, offers a hug?* You sound like you could use some sympathy over the internet, and having been in the same situation not all that long ago, I am prepared to offer some.

[ceri]

Thank you, a lot. Being reminded that others have been through it (and come out of it!) is just what I needed.

[eisen]

Sometimes being trans feels like you're trapped in a really big echo chamber and waaaay over on the other end there are these other people in there with you but you have a blindfold on so it's kind of difficult to tell where the other people are and establish a frame of reference, but eventually if you keep walking you'll run into the back end of somebody and then between the two of you there will begin to emerge a shape of the echo chamber and maybe an estimate of the size. And on and on and on, until eventually the only echoes left will be echoes that all of you can call "your own", even if the echo chamber is still really damn big.

Or, at least, that's been my experience. And my hope.

[ceri]

That was very much my experience learning to live with systemic illness. Rings true. I'm willing to believe it'll happen again.

[keeva]

Yeah, I understand that too. I've never been so good at the closet, but neither so good at being authentically me, either.

eisen, I'm friending you, if that's okay?

[eisen]

That's fine!

Re: Feeling very fake today

[piranha]

*nod*.

though _some_ of it is earned respect, and i'd like to think that, at least, will not entirely disappear when you come out. i mean, you've long been one of my "voice of reason" people; somebody who, even in the heat of argument, tries really hard to still listen, and keep an even keel. and that isn't going to change because it's not gender-dependent, it's person-specific.

the reason that i say "like to think" is that i've seen people i thought knew me well do a 180 when the gender thing hit them (this was before i was open about being transgendered, but when i already "obscured" my visible gender sufficiently for most people to read me as their default online). i had some pretty negative experiences when meeting online pals in meatspace, and a number of friendships that completely tanked.

Re: Feeling very fake today

[ceri]

Those are encouraging words right now. Everything seems worse when I'm just plain fatigued.